


Closure

by Forlorn_Melody



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Closure, Control Ending, Destroy Ending, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 19:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9783530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forlorn_Melody/pseuds/Forlorn_Melody
Summary: An imagining of what happened to FemShep after each Mass Effect 3 ending. FemShep/Kaidan pairing throughout. Contains enough angst to fuel an FTL drive.





	1. Rebirth

“Thanks for coming.” Kaidan cleared his throat, pulling out a chair for her. The table had white linen, set with their champagne and wine glasses, and a tower of glowing tea candles. Gentle music played in the background. Even the scent of roses permeated the air. He had always marveled at the Citadel’s ability to grow plants of all kinds in a giant space station. And despite the restaurant’s famed reputation and constant flow of customers, Kaidan’s recent accomplishments on Earth had earned him the best table in the house, at the last minute. It was perfect.

“Honestly, I was a bit surprised at your message. You’re not the most—“

“Flirtatious?” Kaidan chuckled, thumbing the corner of his datapad, even though he already knew the menu by heart. “Well, especially when you have James Vega on board, anyone else sounds like as flirtatious as a hanar priest.”

Miranda laughed, and the candlelight glimmered in her eyes as she did. Even Kaidan had to admit that any outfit, even if it was a pile of rags, would look great on this lady, especially in this light. Not that she was wearing rags tonight, far from them. In fact, whatever these fine materials were, they hugged her uh—curves in a very flattering fashion. Kaidan brought his gaze back to her face, hopefully before she noticed. Not only did Miranda look great, but she possessed an intelligence that outpaced just about any person, man or woman, that Kaidan knew. Any guy would be lucky to have her out for dinner like this. Everything was perfect—or at least, it should have been. 

“I suppose. You’re such a private person—especially after…what happened back on Earth.” Miranda looked down at her datapad, biting her lip. “With Shepard.”

“We didn’t lose her on Earth. We lost her on the Citadel.” Kaidan said quickly, trying his best not to spit it out. 

“I know that. We all do.” Miranda reached out her hand, squeezing his. “But there’s nothing we can do to change it.”

“I know.” Kaidan sighed, trying to distract himself by putting in their drink orders. He wasn’t sure what Miranda liked—probably something expensive. “Do you prefer wine or champagne? Or dare I say---beer?” Hopefully his smile was convincing. 

“You’re changing the subject, Kaidan.” She squeezed his hand a second time.

“Why not get all three? It’s high time we live a little.” Hm—Dr. Chackwas said the house red was ‘exquisite.’ One of those. And whatever the priciest champagne was. And his favorite lager. 

“She’s not coming back.” 

Those four words hit him like a bullet to the chest. “Miranda--You brought her back once before, didn’t you?”

“That was different. Back then, we actually had a body to work with. Now we have nothing.”

“Surely the Archives have records of her DNA…or one of the old Cerberus labs—“

Her tone was sharper now. “We both know a clone isn’t the same thing as the real Shepard.”

“It’s better than noth—“

“Is it? Is it Kaidan?” She glared at him. “I know you’re in pain, but you know Shepard wouldn’t want her memory tarnished like that. You need to move on.”

“Don’t you think I’ve tried? Don’t you think I’m trying right now?”

“Are you, Kaidan Alenko?” She stood up, bracing her hands on the table. “Or are you just using me to try and get her back?” Miranda threw her hands up in the air, pushing herself away from the table, from him. “Don’t answer that. It’s clear I’m wasting my time.”

“Miranda! Wait!” Kaidan stood up…but before he could leave the table, she was gone.  
_____________________________________

He didn’t bother to turn the light on when he entered his apartment. Really, he should go back to Vancouver, help his grieving mother sort out the remains of their home, help rebuild. Right now, though, Kaidan just couldn’t bring himself to go back. Everything he had imagined for his future after the war included Shepard. Introducing her to his parents, throwing back a few bears on the deck overlooking the bay, even formally introducing her to his students—none of that would happen now. 

And just like that—the walls of Kaidan’s apartment seemed to press in on him, the walls seemed to pull his heart from his chest to his stomach, and that it was if his heart made it that far. His pulse hammered in his ears, as if his body was a ticking bomb. All of it was too much. 

Kaidan stumbled towards the fridge, his mind only able to focus on one thing: escape. Of course, having gone through this before, Kaidan knew leaving his apartment wouldn’t solve anything. Then again, this beer, or the next three wouldn’t really either, but at least they would numb his pain for a little while. And hadn’t he earned a little break? God, he had nearly died more times than he could count, trying to save the galaxy--trying to save the woman he loved. 

At the thought of her, the sound of her laugh in his brain, Kaidan popped the cap off the bottle before he could break down again. He had no energy to cry tonight. Downing the bottle as quickly as he could, Kaidan heard the floor creak a few feet away. Footsteps? Not possible. No one else knew his key code. His stomach sank as he saw a shadow move from the opposite corner.

Diving behind the counter, Kaidan reached for his gun, and checked to see if it was loaded. “Show yourself. I’m armed.” Swallowing hard, he tried to sound braver than he felt. If he had known he was going to have an armed standoff, Kaidan would have downed coffee instead of beer. He peered over the counter just in time to see the shadow step into the light coming from the windows. 

It wasn’t possible. Kaidan tried to hold onto his gun, but his hands shook. Not now, please not now. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid. 

“Kaidan, wait.” Her voice was smooth and rich—just like he remembered. 

Part of him desperately wanted this to be real, but deep down Kaidan knew that it couldn’t be. It was time he stopped kidding himself. Miranda was right. “Please go.” His voice cracked as he forced the words out. “We both know how this ends”—with Shepard dying right in front of him, just like she had at the end of all his other nightmares. 

“How what ends?” Any moment she would run over, pull him into her arms, and hold him tight. Sometimes they’d make dinner together like they had in Anderson’s old apartment. In other’s they’d go out to eat in the Presidium Commons. Once he even had the opportunity to introduce her to his mom. The dreams could never end there, though. Soon enough Kaidan would realize it was a dream—that Shepard was really dead—and then she would realize it too. Her eyes would widen. Sometimes she’d crumble to the ground. Other times she would burst into flames, screaming. In one particularly gruesome dream—she simply exploded. Kaidan felt sick just thinking about it. 

“I know you’re dead, Shepard. I know this isn’t real. I---I know I’m dreaming.”Maybe if he kept saying it, maybe he would wake up. 

“I’m—I’m hurting you, aren’t I?” Something in her voice was different…it made him stand up and look at her. She had never questioned herself before. Shepard had always been one of the most stubborn people he knew. “…This was a bad idea.” Shepard turned towards the window, looking out towards the presidium roof. She stretched out her hand toward the glass panes. “I’m sorry, Kaidan. Forget this ever happened.”

Maybe it was the beer, but for a second it looked like her hand was phasing right through the window. Wait. “Where’re you going?” No! He should let her leave. This is what he wanted right? To avoid seeing her die for the umpteenth time?

Dropping her hand, she looked at him again. “Kaidan—“

What the hell--? “What happened to your eyes?” They seemed to glow, even in the dim light—as if they belonged to a machine. NO! No, no no. Kaidan shut his eyes, bracing his hand on the counter as his head swam. This was almost worse than watching her die. 

“Kaidan—you might want to sit down.” 

The bar stool wobbled, and Kaidan started to fall backward. In an instant, she was there, holding him up. Her touch felt colder, somehow. 

She bit her lip, almost smiling. “On the couch.”

He almost laughed. “Is that an order, Commander?”

Shepard flinched as they sat down. “I’m not your commander anymore, Kaidan.”

He tried to wrap his mind around her words, but all of them failed to make sense. All Kaidan could see was Anderson’s empty apartment when they finally reached the Citadel after the mass relays started working again, his empty inbox that he had checked every day after leaving Earth—a folder he had set up specifically for her. The video feeds of the Citadel chambers where they found Anderson’s and The Illusive Man’s bodies—but not Shepard’s. Weeks of searching, and they only found her helmet. Kaidan looked up. “Then what are you?”

She sighed. “It’s hard to explain.”

Even now Kaidan wasn’t completely sure he wanted to hear her answer, but a larger—weaker part of him wanted her to stay talking to him. His voice broke as he replied, “Try me.”

“Remember how The Illusive Man wanted to control the Reapers?” He could barely hear her voice. 

Kaidan looked up. Shepard looked down at her hands, seemingly unable to meet his eyes. His stomach turned. “What about it?”

Shepard’s shoulders heaved as she took a steadying breath. “The Catalyst wasn’t a device, or even part of one.” Finally she looked up at him, and Kaidan saw an ache in her eyes that mirrored his own. “It was a being….a collective consciousness like Legion. An AI created by the Levianthans…who turned on its creators and created the Reapers.”

Seeing Shepard die over and over again was one thing…but this? Somehow this was worse. “What did it do to you?”

Shepard closed her eyes tightly. “The Catalyst didn’t do this to me, Kaidan. I chose it. It wasn’t easy. You have to believe me.”

Al the pain, all the despair…all the loneliness boiled up within him. He couldn’t help his next words as he spat them out. “You were supposed to destroy the Reapers, Shepard! Not—whatever this is.”

Her voice broke too. “I couldn’t, Kaidan. The Catalyst warned me…it said the same power that would destroy the Reapers would destroy all synthetic life. And the cycle would just repeat itself again.” A tear slipped down her cheek and she clenched her fists. “After all we’d been through with Geth…and EDI…I couldn’t sentence them to die.”

His words still had an edge to them, though they came out hollower than before. “So you sentenced yourself to die instead.”

Shepard nodded, finally meeting his eyes again. “I’m sorry, Kaidan. I knew this would hurt you.” She looked out toward the window. “But I had hoped you would have moved on by now. You’re such a good g--”

“How am I supposed to move on!?” Kaidan stood up, charging around to the back of the couch before he did something he’d regret. “You meant everything to me.”

“I know that…now.” Shepard didn’t move. “I watched over you ever day, and my heart broke just as yours did.” She wiped her eyes as she stood up. “I haven’t forgotten what it was like to be human.” Looking down, she sighed. “I wish I could stay, but if I stray too long, I risk the Reapers regaining control.” Her voice was at a bare whisper. “I’ve missed you, Kaidan.”

Kaidan turned, watching her.

Shepard chuckled. “Watching you from a distance…well, it’s not the same as seeing you face to face.” She smiled slightly, and it made his heart ache. “Nor is it the same as feeling your skin against mine.”

“How—how did you?” Without realizing it, he had closed the distance between them, and his hand was on her cheek.

“It wasn’t hard. The Alliance and Cerberus had a lot of very specific data on me.” She reached up, holding his hand in place. “Though you’re a better judge of whether or not I succeeded.”

Kaidan allowed himself one quick look, clearing his throat. “It looks up to snuff—aside from the eyes, I mean.”

Shepard bit her lip. “Yeah, I could have made them the same color, but even then, they didn’t look right.”

“Like an android?”

She nodded, and started to pull away.

“Wait.” Kaidan squeezed her shoulder. He smiled as she met his eyes, searching them for what he would say next. Could she know already? What exactly could that technology detect? “You look the same.” A chuckle escaped his lips as he stepped closer. “But do you feel the same?” 

His fingers felt the goose bumps forming on her arm as her lips brushed his. “Let’s find out.”


	2. Rebuilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. Now onto the second installment, as if Shepard chose to destroy the Reapers, and survived. It’s awesome if you’re enjoying this. If not, eh. I’m mostly writing this for my own emotional wellbeing. Part of me wanted to keep this installment entirely from Shepard’s perspective, but then I realized how many moments we’d miss out on, so here’s a smattering of POV’s. Also, this chapter, moreso than the first, is my brain’s attempt to fill in some of those pesky plot holes.

In the empty of the halls of the Citadel, Shepard felt smaller than an ant.

                _I’m sorry, Kaidan._ No way she would keep her promise now. Shepard wondered if Kaidan would hold up his end, or if he could. Swallowing hard, she remembered how she had to carry him to the Normandy. Would Chakwas even get the chance to look him over? _Not if you keep hesitating, Commander._ Part of Shepard wanted to use her coms to hail the Normandy, just to hear his voice one more time. She couldn’t, not if she wanted to give him a fighting chance.

Each shot echoed and rang in her ears, and the kickback of the gun shook Shepard to her core. She couldn’t hear her own breathing, let alone her pulse. Maybe she had already died. It didn’t matter—she’d be dead soon anyway. God, her steps hurt like hell, and she had to will herself to pull the trigger.

                The explosion took ages…eons to reach her, and when it did, it slammed into her like a meteor. Distantly, she felt her back hit a wall, or maybe it was the floor, and then it was over.

_____________________

                There had been no word, no signal from the Citadel for hours. No one on Earth had seen Shepard or Anderson, but they had seen the Citadel explode not too long after they vanished. One by one the Reapers fell to the ground, and all their children crumbled like ash. Hackett heard the cheers from his crew, and he even heard cheers from the coms from Earth. Then the signal cut out. They were alive…and they were alone. The lights cut out next, and the drive core slowed until they were coasting through the void.

                For five, or at least Hacket thought they were five, long minutes he wondered if Crucible had sent them back into the Stone Age. A strange price for saving the galaxy, that was for sure.

                Then the lights came back on. The drives second. And at long last, the coms.

                Hackett breathed a sigh of relief. They did it. No. _She_ did it. “Signal Commander Shepard for a status report.”

                “Yes sir.” The com specialist tapped her screen, the smile growing on her face. And then it fell. She tapped again, and again, frantically. “Sir?”

                Hackett walked to her side. “I thought the coms were back online.”

                Specialist Pavteio shook her head, pinching her eyes shut. “Sir…they are online, but Shepard’s aren’t. Or she isn’t responding.”

                _No_. “What are her vital signs? Have you heard from Admiral Anderson?”

                Pavteio hesitated. “His signal is also offline.”

                Hackett rubbed his face, weighing his options. None of them were good.

                “Sir?”

                “Get us in touch with any former Cerberus operatives that are in our system. If they found her body once, they’ll do it again.”

______________________

                It was funny. After hours of turning over one corpse or another, they all started to look the same. Jacob Taylor had seen more than his share of bodies working with the Alliance, even more with Cerberus. He’d thought he’d be used to it by now. Seeing them on the Citadel, though? It was much, _much_ worse.

                The first he found was an Asari, probably support staff by the look of her uniform. It was kind of hard to tell with all the rubble, but this hallway might have once been part of the Embassies. Did she see the end coming? Was she even alive when the ward arms closed? Did she die at the same time as the others or did she hear them all scream in agony one by one until they came for her too?

                _Get it together_ , _Jacob. You’re no good to anyone if you lose it now._

                He checked his omni tool frequently, looking for reports from the others. It was all chaos before the Reapers fell. The soldiers, the scientists—they were all too busy fighting the Reapers to pay attention to Shepard’s signal. By the time they had a moment to breathe, it was too late. Shepard’s signal was nowhere to be found. Luckily, they had other ways of tracing her footsteps.

                The Crucible’s pulse beamed from the center of the Citadel. Logic dictated that the original signal came somewhere from there. After that…well, it was messy. Each step closer to the center took more and more of their tech offline, its electromagnetic energy still lingering in the air.

                And then they stumbled upon an area that looked completely…well, alien to anyone who had been to the Citadel before. As if a kid was building a model of the Citadel and just decided to stop following the directions. The hairs on the back of Jacob’s neck stood on end. He walked slower, watching each step as if he might fall through the floor. Jacob wasn’t sure if he believed in ghosts, but if he did, he could definitely feel their presence here. He’d kill for the heat sensors to work on his visor. No such luck.

                **_“We might be able to help with that.”_**

                Jacob nearly jumped right out of his skin. “What _was_ that?”

                “What _is_ that, you mean?” Brynn stepped beside him, her hand on his arm. Her face had paled, and she pointed ahead of them. Following the direction of her fingers, Jacob felt the bile rise to his throat.

                Right ahead of them sat the Illusive Man, or what was left of him. His body was part Husk, part Human, and wholly dead. Jacob could smell it from here. A cockroach the size of a sky car climbed out from the rubble behind the corpse. _Rachni_.

                “…You can smell her, can’t you?”

                The corpse nodded, jerkily, accentuating the giant hole in its head.

                **_“We can.”_**

                And then the rachni swarmed. Yeah. There went his lunch.

                It only took 36 minutes to locate Shepard with the cockro—ranchni’s help. To Jacob, it felt like years. A pile of them skittered around a pile of concrete, rebar, and steel, and Jacob’s heart hammered in his chest. _This is it._ Piece by piece, he lifted the rubble off the pile and to the side, while the others watched, chewing their nails. Seeing Shepard at the center turned his stomach into ice.

                One arm was bent at the wrong angle, and her side armor had a giant hole in it. Blood had dried around the edges, added dozens of new freckles to her face, and stripes trailing down her nose and mouth. She seemed so small now without her smirk and hard as nails demeanor. Holding his breath as if it would actually help, Jacob knelt down, and reached to check her pulse. He gasped.

                “Call an evac shuttle! Stat!” Jacob shouted into his com.

                “Copy that. ETA 20 minutes.”

                Watching her chest rise and fall with her shallow breathing, Jacob whispered. “Hold on, Shepard.”

______________________

                “Major Alenko?”

                Kaidan hardly heard her voice. The silence of the stars he saw from the observation deck seemed to drown everything out. Really, the entire ship seemed empty these days. He couldn’t see as many stars through this planet’s atmosphere, especially with the two moons visible in the sky, but it was something.

                “Major Alenko? Can you read me?” Specialist Traynor sighed. “Damnit. Com systems must still be—”

                Oh wait. It was him she was asking for. Again. Kaidan shook off of his stupor. “I’m here.”

                “Oh! Good. We finally have a line to Earth. Admiral Hackett would like to speak with you.”

                That gave Kaidan a start. It had been weeks since they had contact with anyone outside their own system.

                Kaidan cleared his throat. “Tell him I’ll be in the com room shortly.”

_________________

                The path to the com room stretched for miles in Kaidan’s mind. Even though he tried so hard not to get his hopes up, Kaidan couldn’t help but hear her laugh in his brain. No way Hackett would have good news about Shepard. If she had survived, she would have contacted him herself, right?

                Hackett’s holographic image shimmered as Kaidan made the connection. “I have good news and bad news.”

                Kaidan took a deep breath, trying to decide which he dreaded more. He opened his mouth to speak, but Hackett beat him to it.

                “We found Shepard.”

                “Sir?” Kadian’s heart pounded so loud he was sure Hackett could hear it.

                Hackett’s eyes fell. “She’s alive…but it doesn’t look good.”

                “Shepard’s _alive?”_

                “Barely. The explosion in the Citadel buried her under a pile of rubble. We’re lucky that area was designed to withstand the blast. Took days to find her.”

                Kaidan’s tongue felt like sandpaper. “Where’s Miranda Lawson?”

                “She’s been located—but Major, it’s too soon to hope for anything---”

                “She saved the galaxy _three_ times, _sir_. She deserves a little bit more than _hope_.” Kaidan disconnected the comm, walking away. During their makeshift memorial service, Kaidan had refused to put her name on the board. He hadn’t bothered to look at it since then. If the rest of the crew wanted to give up on her, that was their choice. Even when they were seemingly fighting on opposing sides, Shepard hadn’t given up on him. Now he wouldn’t either.

____________

                It was several months before the Normandy was operational enough to leave Moira and its jungles behind. Kaidan’s heart sank as they approached the relay, or what was left of it.

                “How the hell are they going to fix that?”

                “Oh sure! Let me just call the mass relay maintenance team! Oh wait! We. Don’t. Have. One.”

                “Joker, I know you’re grieving….”

                “At least I’m willing to acknowledge the facts. You won’t even admit she’s dead.”

                Right about now EDI would be interjecting some of her own commentary, if she were still operational. The cockpit seemed hollow without her. Which is why Kaidan bit back his retort. “How much eezo do we have stockpiled?”

                “Enough to get us halfway to the next system. And then the Normandy’s a glorified tin can again.”

                Kaidan took a steadying breath, afraid of what this next question would bring. “And how far are we from Earth?”

                “Ha! Yeah sure. It’ll only take a decade or so to get there.”

                “Great. But we can’t wait that long.” Kaidan rubbed his face, racking his mind. “Maybe Liara has an idea—“

                “Why? You found some _other_ ancient exterminator  for us to fight? I thought that was Shepard’s job.”

                “She needs us, Joker.” Kaidan rubbed his face.

                “I already told you, she’s d—“

                The alert system beeped. Joker turned his head sharply, scrolling through his readings. “That can’t be right.”

                “What is it?”

                “Our radar’s picking up a large signature, reaper size.” His eyes narrowed. “But they’re gone, right?”

                “I hope sure as hell hope so.” If not…what the hell did their friends die for? What did Shepard died f— _no. She’s not dead. Not yet._ “Do we have a visual?”

                Joker pulled it up on the screen. It wasn’t from the Normandy’s cameras, but the com’s. “Not again.”

                Kaidan quirked his head. “Something’s not right. Liara? Are you seeing this?”

                “Just a moment.” Both of them heard the sharp intake of breath from Liara’s com. “Can we get a closer look?”

                “I am _not_ getting any closer to that—“

                Clearing his throat, Kaidan cut in. “What Joker means to say is—“

                “Something’s not right.” Liara’s voice was soft as velvet, as always.

                “You mean besides the fact that one of those things is still alive?” Joker rolled his eyes.

                “Look at its legs. How many legs do Reapers have?” Kaidan swore he could hear a touch of mischief in her voice. God, they could all use more of that these days.

                “You know—Liara, I never really got close enough long enough to start counting.”

                “Five usually, that they stand on.” Kaidan answered, narrowing his eyes.

                “How many does this one have?”

                “Three.” Both of them responded in tandem.

                “We’ve yet to see reports of any Reaper with three legs.”

                But why was it out here in the middle of space? Whatever it was. It just sat there by the pieces of the relay, as if it was waiting for something.

                 “Well, yeah. Lately we’ve all been a little bus—“ Joker fell silent.

                Kaidan stepped closer, peering around the pilot’s chair. “Joker? You alright?”

                Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau stared straight ahead, his mouth hanging open slightly. His eyes stared ahead, seeing nothing.

                “Joker! Answer me.”

                “Is something wrong?” Liara started to ask.

                **_“Normandy.”_** Joker’s lips moved, but the rest of him stayed still. The temperature around them dropped ten degrees. Then Kaidan knew.

                “Leviathan.” He whispered. “It’s been a while.”

                **_“Your war has ended. Your hero has fallen.”_**

Kaidan almost interjected, but Levianthan continued on. **_“And you are trapped.”_**

“We noticed.”

                **_“Allow me to send you home. I can help you rebuild the relay.”_**

                Kaidan opened his mouth, then shut it, remembering what he had read in Shepard’s report on Leviathan.  As badly as he wanted to return home right now—could they really trust it? Leviathan and its peers had created the AI behind the Reapers. “What’s the catch?”

                “Major!” Kaidan could hear Liara rubbing her face and shaking her head through the com.

                **_“It will take too long with you and your crew’s hesitations. Be my hands, and I will be your guide.”_**

                Kaidan sucked in a breath, remembering the looks on the faces of the scientists who lost a decade under Leviathan’s control. “Give us a few minutes, and I’ll get back to you.”

Joker rubbed his face, and jumped when he found blood streaming from his nose. “The hell?”

“Come on Joker. We need to call a meeting.” Kaidan helped Joker out of his pilot’s seat, and they headed to the conference room.

_____________________________________

                She couldn’t move. Why couldn’t she move? Feel anything? See anything? She tried forcing her lips to move, but nothing happened. Something pounded in her ears, louder than the engines of the Normandy.

                _Normandy_.

                The drumming accelerated, faster, louder. Oh God. It was her pulse. She couldn’t breathe. There wasn’t enough oxygen. In seconds she’d be a lifeless, bloated shell floating in—

                “Shepard.”

                She sucked in a breath, holding it, focusing on the sound of the voice. Sound. Noise couldn’t travel in a vacuum. She knew that voice.

                “Shepard, I need you to calm down.” A hand on her arm, with long, graceful fingers. _Miranda._

                She tried talking again, and this time her lips parted, but nothing came out. Her tongue felt like cardboard.

                Miranda’s voice dipped low, and her hand tightened. “Listen to me, Shepard. You’re not ready to wake up yet.”

                She didn’t dare close her eyes. She was bleeding out. She had to raise a distress signal, or no one would know where she was on the Citadel. _The Citadel._ An explosion. The Crucible. _Oh God._

                Miranda Lawson’s grip tightened as she took a steadying breath. Shepard managed to get her eyes open long enough to see the frustration blazing in the woman’s eyes. “I need you to trust me, Shepard. Count to ten. One.”

Did Kaidan make it?

                “Two.” Miranda growled under her breath. “I swear to all that is good in this galaxy, Shepard. If you don’t do as I say I _will_ let you die. _Count. With. Me._ ” She rolled her eyes. “Mouth them if you have to.”

                Did the Normandy--?

                “Three.” Finger’s tightening on her arm to the point of pain—though she felt something cool tingling down her limbs and her spine. Sedatives.

                Finally, Shepard closed her eyes again, though she couldn’t help the water brimming under her eyelids. She moved her lips, though nothing came out but a rasp. “Four.”

                Maybe the grip loosened, finally. Or maybe she couldn’t feel Miranda’s touch anymore. Her head swam, floating in space. “Five.” They mouthed together.

                “Six.” Darkness.

                “Sev—“

_________________________________________________________

                _Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

                She needed to open her eyes. Check the vital monitors in her helmet. Figure out what set off that alarm. Her eyelids wouldn’t budge. Neither would her limbs. And then she heard something else. Voices. The words blurred together, as if she was underwater. But she wasn’t, she was on…sheets. A bed. A raised bed. _Hospital._ She was _alive._

                Beep. Beep. Beep beep. Beepbeepbeep.

                “Shepard. Remember what I said about staying calm. Can you open your eyes for me? Your brain scans suggest you’re conscious.” Shepard couldn’t be sure, but she swore she heard Miranda mutter _finally_ under her breath.

                Her snarky reply wouldn’t pass out of her cotton mouth. How long had it been since she drank anything?

                “Shepard. Open your eyes. _Please_.” Miranda squeezed her hand. Pain shot up her arm.

                “Nnrg.” Her eyes shot open, snapping back shut at the brightness of the room.

                “Close the blinds.” They weren’t alone. Nurses probably. “Could you try again, Shepard? Blink twice so I know you heard me.”

                Shepard blinked twice.

                “Now try wiggling your fingers.”

                The fingers on her right hand moved with some effort. Shepard went to move her left.

                “Excellent. Now try your left hand.”

                This time the alarms went off inside her brain. She tried again. Nothing. No. No no no. “No.” She managed to croak.

                “We’ll work on it, Shepard.” She laid a hand on her shoulder ,barely squeezing this time. Shepard winced regardless, hating how fragile she felt. “Now, for your legs.”

__________________________________________

                Months later, and Shepard was out of bed, at least. The nurses called them walks, but despite the physical therapy, it felt more like hobbling rather than limping. Sure, she wasn’t bed ridden anymore. She could mostly feed herself, and use the toilet without supervision. Yet, with each passing day her chances of ever storming the battlefield or wearing a hardsuit became less and less likely. But hey, at least she was alive, right?

                Was it really _living_ , though? Like this? Alone, save for her medical team? Shepard humored them, going through the motions of physical therapy, as much as her crippled body would allow. Her left side hardly wanted to move at all. Half the time Shepard had to drag it across the room to get anywhere. It was the side closest to the bl—Shepard snapped her eyes shut, doing her best not to think of it. She really, _really_ didn’t want another session with the Alliance base grief and trauma counselor.

                _You haven’t heard from the Normandy since—the incident. How does that make you feel?_

_You mentioned the relays are in pieces. That you believe the Geth and the Normandy’s artificial intelligence have fallen with the Reapers. Do you feel responsible?_

_What are your plans for your future?_

_Your records show you’ve been in therapy before, Shepard. You know how this works. I can’t help you unless you talk to me._

After the first session, Shepard sat in her shower long after the water had gone cold, trying so desperately to feel anything at all. Trying to remember what it was like to breathe without struggling, to fall asleep without worrying about bleeding out. Trying to remember what Kaidan’s voice sounded like in the morning, after a long night spent in her arms. Trying to remember the way he smelled after a shower—like pine and spice. Before a shower—like salt and eezo.

                _Kaidan._

                The tears came then, slipping down her cheeks, threatening to drown her.

                “Shepard! Pay attention.” Her physical therapist shouted into her ear.

                “Sorry.” Shepard took in a deep breath, well, as deep as her lungs would allow. Miranda had said something about her implants shorting out. All her organs, muscles, and nerves had to work on their own now. She felt so _tired_ all the time. “Where were we?”

                “I need you to walk from here to there. Use the rails, but try not to favor your right side.” He had put weights on her right shoulder. Something about forcing her left side to share the load.

                “Okay.” Shepard took in a deep breath, and edged forward. All she really wanted at the moment was a nap. But she had to be ready. In case she ever heard from the Normandy again. In case they needed her help. She was no use to them like this.

                Putting her weight on her right leg, Shepard licked her lips, willing her left to move. Lights sparked in her eyes as pain shot across her left hip. She swore under her breath, distantly hearing footsteps behind her. Sometimes other soldiers in the same ward would watch. The higher ups allowed it. Something about boosting morale. Ha. Seeing Commander Shepard hobble around had to be the most discouraging thing in the world.

                “Come on, Shepard. You want to be able to walk again, don’t you? One step at a time.”

                “Damnit. I’m trying.” Taking down a thresher maw was easier than this. Shepard didn’t dare look behind her as she pushed and pulled with muscles she forgot she had. Almost. There. Her foot slid forward a couple centimeters. She glanced at the physical therapist for confirmation. Did she do it right this time?

                “Woo! Great work Shepar—“    

                And then her legs gave way. Shepard winced as she hit the floor. God. Not again. Sniffing, she did her best to ignore the sting in her eyes. She wouldn’t cry. Not with all these people watching.

                Someone offered a hand to help her up. Shepard waved it off. She could pull herself up. She had done it before. She only needed to grab onto the rail with her good hand and push.

                “Shepard. It’s me.” That voice. Clouded and thick with emotion, but still warm and honeyed as it had always been. It couldn’t. She would have heard a report by now.

                Sinking back to the floor, Shepard dared to look up and meet those amber eyes with her own. “Kaidan?” She had to be dreaming. Distantly, she saw herself hauled up from the floor, with some effort on his part. His hands roamed her face lightly. Her good hand traced the new scar on his cheek. Not a dream.

                “Shepard.” He breathed. “You’re alive.” Suddenly the rail was too much of a hindrance. She needed to be closer to him. Her hand pulled on his neck and she buried her face into his shoulder, the railing pressing between their waists. His shirt was wet. Were those her tears?

                She laughed into the fabric. “You reek, Major. When was the last time you showered?”

                “Heh. Wasn’t high on the priority list.” His hand drifted down her left side. She tensed as he traced her new scars, webbed and raw from the burns. “What’ll it be, Commander? Latrine duty? Demotion? Firing squad?”

                Shepard melted, nuzzling his nose with hers. “Mm. I might settle for a court martial. But first.” Distantly she heard a murmur around them. The crew, or what was left of it, probably. Reporters, maybe. Hell, it could be a Reaper and she really wouldn’t give a damn right now. She ran a finger down the front of his shirt, tracing the edge of the hem. “A shower.”

                Kaidan blushed. “Aye aye, ma’am.”

___________

                The buzz pulsing through her veins stopped short as they paused inside her apartment. Shepard wanted him, _needed_ him. Would he still feel the same? Her fall at physical therapy was only a small taste of what lay ahead. She wasn’t the same. She never _would_ be the same again.

                Kaidan paused too, his fingers just underneath the edge of her tank top. “You alright?”

                “Define alright.” She swallowed hard, rubbing her eyes with her good hand. “Kaidan…I…I don’t think they can fix me this time.”

                 He grabbed said hand, squeezing it as his eyes went wide. “You’re not dying, are you?”

                Shepard blinked. “What? No.” She leaned her forehead against his, desperate for his touch and afraid of it at the same time. “I’m just…broken. And there’s no team of scientists or funding that can _fix_ that.”

                Kaidan said nothing. Shepard didn’t dare look at his face, knowing the disappointment she’d see in his eyes. She started to pull away, saving him the trouble, but his hand slid behind her head, holding her in place, pulling her into a firm kiss. “Remember what I promised you?”

                Holding him with trembling hands, Shepard replied, “that you’d come find me after the fighting’s over?” She smiled ruefully. “You’ve already kept that promise.” _Now go find someone worth your time._

                Kaidan shook his head. “Before that. Back on the Citadel…after the coup.” He nuzzled her nose with his. “I promised I’d never doubt you again. And I don’t. I don’t doubt that you’ll get _through_ this. _We’ll_ get through this. Together.”

                Shepard pulled her hand back to brush away a tear that had slipped from her eye, but Kaidan caught her hand, and kissed inside of her palm. She practically dove into him, then, toppling him against the shower wall as she caught his lips with her own.

                “Whoa! Hey! Careful!” Kaidan laughed, barely catching himself before he smacked his head. “Mm,” he continued as her lips trailed down his jaw. His hands roamed lower, slipping down her ribs. They stuck out a bit more than they used to.

                Shepard was in the middle of nipping the tender skin where his neck met his shoulder when she felt something else—Or what should have been something else. She gasped, freezing in his embrace.

                Kaidan paused, tilting her chin so he could see her face. “What is it?”

                Shepard’s mouth hung open, as her brain cycled through the new information. Without answering, she grabbed his hand, guiding his fingers just below her floating ribs. “Feel that?” Her voice barely carried above the shower water.

                “Um…” Kaidan’s eyes searched hers, unsure. “I…don’t feel any scars, if that’s what you’re worried about.” She had always been self-conscious about the ones from the Lazarus Project.

                Shaking her head, Shepard smiled, beaming brighter than the sun. “The cybernetics.” When Kaidan didn’t catch on, she continued. “They’re gone.” Shepard kissed him again, with a fire that burned hotter than the heat on Casbin. Leaning her forehead against his, she whispered, “I’m human again.”

                Kaidan shook his head. “You’ve always been human to me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. That was a lot longer than I originally intended. Also, it will likely be a longer wait for the Synthesis edition...as I really have no idea what to do with that ending.


End file.
